Harry Potter and The Smelly Marrows
by mimbulus-mimbletonia
Summary: SPOOF of DH, content is AU, obviously “you were raised in a muggle orphanage, the most noble stock you had contact with was an OXO cube. Face it Voldy, you suck.” CONTENT WARNING. ABANDONED.
1. The Dark Lord Descending

A full spoof of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, written by a friend of mine, who has asked me to publish it on here. He is not JK Rowling, and takes no credit for her work, so without further ado, enjoy...

**Harry Potter and the Smelly Marrows**

**Chapter 1: The Dark Lord Descending**

"You know what the mark of a truly great wizard is," said Lord Voldemort softly, as he strode around the table at Malfoy Manor. "A truly great wizard, never makes mistakes, never trusts anyone, never forgets what he knows and a great wizard is raised with noble stock."

From around the table came nods of agreement even gasps of awe as he swept around, Bellatrix blew him a kiss. Voldemort was satisfied that he had once again mystified his death eaters again, when Draco Malfoy began to chuckle...

"What is it Draco?" he hissed softly...

"Well if that's description of a great wizard, " said Draco

"Yes" hissed Voldemort...

"Well I hate to tell you Voldy, but then your pretty dam shite," said Draco, "don't get my wrong, you could murder me in a heartbeat." Murdering Draco was actually what Voldemort was trying to do, but his wand had been misbehaving lately and had only succeeded in turning into a rubber chicken.

"You see Voldy, you've been royally owned by Harry Potter nearly every Summer and he's been back home in time for tea and biscuits, so I'd say you make mistakes."

"Y don't trust anyone that's true, but who wants to be that much of a miserable barstard."

"You forgot that crap about ancient magic and you got raped by a toddler."

By this point the entire Malfoy family was clinging to Voldemort as he tried to club Draco round the head with the stuffed head of an old house elf.

"And" said Draco, dodging the bolt of lightning Voldemort had just sent at him, "you were raised in a muggle orphanage, the most noble stock you had contact with was an OXO cube. Face it Voldy, you suck."

"_**Avada Kedavra!"**_shouted Voldemort, as he threw the other members of the Malfoy family into the surrounding walls, all that happened was that Voldemort's wand began to recite the Alphabet, as Draco laughed Voldemort broke down in tears...

**_Please R&R peoples next chapter: harrys introduction, on its way_**


	2. Harrys Introduction

Harry's Introduction

**Harry's Introduction**

Harry was bleeding.. the emo

Well if you've been tasked with killing the most powerful Dark Wizard of all time, bit by bit of heavily magically protected soul at a time, you'd be a bit miserable. Especially as the Jesus, Father, Easter Bunny figure you so admire and who would have been a great help has just died.

Harry bandaged the bleeding on his wrists and finished uploading his video blog onto MySpace along with some poetry:

_If Voldemort captures me I'll surely be blasted to infinity,_

_I haven't even lost my virginity,_

_If I am to die,_

_Without a taste of Ginny's pie_

_I will be bloody annoyed._

So you get the general image of how our gallant hero was coping with things, fucking terrible would probably cover it. Lots of unread mail lay around the room from Ron and Hermione, saying that they are so sorry he's stuck in a miserable Hell Hole, but their having a great time without him anyway.

Harry got up and read the article on the "Death of Albus Dumbledore" in the daily prophet he'd received today:

**Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore IS A FUCKING LEGEND**

"Albus was always a good friend of mine, mainly because he absolutely kicked the ass of anyone that was a bit of a bastard, and he was dam good at doing it. I remember him kicking the ass of everyone at school twice before breakfast and then 3 times again before lunch, man I'll miss that dude."

Jippers Miggippers, Dumbledore's golf partner

"Dumbledore will always be remembered for his many brave deeds, but I myself remember him for his fantastic fireworks, wait, wasn't that gandalf... mmmm, I always get them confused, oh well, may he rest in peace whichever big beardy wizard he was."

Bongo Baggers, Dumbledore's pet hobbit

"Albus can go fuck himself, I prefer goats if I'm completely honest."

Aberforth Dumbledore, Dumbledore's not so cool brother

"Oh it's dark in here Dumbly" continued page 8, 9, 10 and most of the rest of the paper

Elphias Doge, Dumbeldore's official lapdog

Harry put down the book, he had thought he knew Dumbledore quite well, and he had, Dumbledore had kicked ass from the day he was born at the age of 76, all was right with the world as Harry prepared to leave Privet Drive forever.

**The Dursleys Leave, HOORAY!**


	3. The Dursleys Leave, Hooray!

The Dursleys Leave, HOORAY

**The Dursleys Leave, HOORAY!**

"FUCK OFF" shouted Harry, as he staggered down the stairs, wand in one hand, and a mostly empty vodka bottle in the other.

"Shit" shouted Vernon Dursley, going for his revolver he kept handy at all times now. However, he tripped stumbled over his wife making them both fall into a compromising position.

Into this happy scene burst Dedalus Diggle, a not very popular, incredibly annoying, semi Willy Wonka figure wearing purple…. what a retard. "Hello everyone, are we all having a lovely time?" he said in an annoyingly happy voice, as from his pocket his watch muttered, "give me strength."

From behind him Hestia Jones made a face, frowned at Harry who was now making lewd suggestions to something he evidently thought was Ginny but was actually a hat stand. Dedalus and Hestia bundled the Dursely Pile into the car, made sure Vernon was reasonably near the steering wheel, and slowly the car pulled away, Harry following them down the road roaring obscenities at the car, the sky and passing dog walkers.

As he staggered back into the house, trying to sober himself up. He noticed that his advanced guard had arrived and were in the kitchen.


	4. The sobering n transportation of Potter

The sobering and transportation of a Potter

**The sobering and transportation of a Potter**

"Jesus Potter look at you," yelled Moody, getting out his wand and shouting, _"Soberius Maximus." _This spell caused Potter to lose all the alcohol remaining in his body during the next 10 seconds, it was not a pretty sight.

"Right Potter your hair, fake potters, good plan, confuse people, leads to good scene next bit," said Moody, realising afterwards that he'd forgotten several major important parts in his explanation, mainly reasons linking it all together. Anyway, Potter's hairs were torn and the fake potters lined up and took them, and then they all went into the garden, and got ready to fly to their various safe houses.

As they rose up into the sky, they were surrounded by Death Eaters on all sides, it was a reasonably impressive fireworks display, before Harry realised that these people were trying to kill him.

"HOLY FUCKING CRAP" shouted Hagrid, slamming a fist onto the TELEPORT THE CRAP OUTA HERE BUTTON, which to be honest was a very useful addition of Mr Weaselys. Unfortunately it didn't quite reach to the final destination of Tonk's Parents House. They were teleported, minus the motorbike, 400 metres above the house, falling earthwards, rather quickly.

"OH NO YOU DONT" shouted Voldemort flying out of the blackness, wand drawn ready to strike Harry, it then that Harry's wand performed something extraordinary. Just as Voldemort was right next to Harry, ready to curse the boy who had lived into oblivion. Harry's wand acted of its own accord, it turned round in Harry's hand, and made gravity realise that people can't fly, unless of course they have the aid of broomsticks, invisible birds you only see when you've seen dead people, and of course a magical motorbike with sidecar. Ah the wonders of science, since Voldemort did not have any of these three things, gravity looked at him sternly and asked what the hell did he think he was doing. Voldemort dropped out the sky like a bullet from a gun, gravity acts on you faster if you've been ignoring it for longer, Newton said it so it must be true.

Harry and Hagrid ploughed into a pond, Hagrid landing on top of Harry. When Harry regained consciousness 3 hours later he was surprised to note that he'd broken every single bone in his body in 17 different places, however, they still just made the port key to the Burrow.


	5. Falling Warrior

Falling Warrior

**Falling Warrior**

Two by two people arrived at the Burrow, some sporting wounds, others wondrous tales of daring do and other boring stuff like that. Hagrid and Bill had started singing "Odo the Wizard" over their 14th brandy and after 3 hours still hadn't managed to complete the first verse.

Everything was going grandly, until Kingsley pointed out that there was a problem. There was no Mad Eye or Mundungus….

"_For Odo was a smelly old git,_

_he like to climb on trees to shit._

_And the peasants said, "by God has he not seen us?"_

_And then they made rude remarks about his small…."_

"BILL" shouted Molly Weasely, "GINNY IS PRESENT," however, as Bill stopped Ginny continued the last line and got a clout round the head for her trouble. "We were just saying Bill, that Moody and Mundungus haven't turned up yet," said Molly. "OH SHIT" cried Bill, "I knew there was something I forgot…"

"YOU WHAT" roared Lupin

"Well…" said Bill shuffling awkwardly, "Mundungus disapparated and Moody got blasted by Voldemort."

"YOU FUCKING RETARD!" shouted Mr Weasely, "I'VE BEEN WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE COLD FOR THE PAST HOUR FOR NO FUCKING REASON."

After they had eventually forgiven Bill, and had begun to toast Mad Eyes Memory, when there was a tremoundous CRASH outside, as everyone sprinted out they saw Mad Eye, stumbling around in the wreckage of the shed waving his wand around and shouting, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE"

They carried Moody inside let him drain all the contents of his hip flask. Then slowly he told his tale… 

"As I saw the Death Eaters surrounding us I knew it was going to get nasty, so I transfigured the broom into a sword and charged at the nearest Death Eater, without remembering that gravity doesn't like you disobey its "Magic Broom" law. So I dropped like a stone, Dung disapparated like a coward he is, but I popped out my magical eye, I can channel magic through it like I can a wand, only not as effectively. By shouting "_wingardium leviosa"_ and using the wind currents I was able to pursue the Death Eaters. I set fire to 3, stunned 4 and stabbed 9. Not a bad haul too be honest, after owning them I then used the wind currents to position myself above the burrow, then stopped using my eye to levitate my and dropped the last little bit."

"No offence or anything, but shouldn't you be dead?" said Kingsely.

"Take more than a 40,000 foot drop to kill me," said Moody. Who then suddenly died.

It was very sad.

They buried Moody in the Burrow's garden, they buried him next to the Gnome Patch, and bewitched the gravestone to fire bolts of lightning at anything that went near.

The Gravestone was inscribed thus;

"_Mad Eye Moody_

_The Last Warrior that will be defeated is Mad Eye_

_Cos even in Death he's still kicking ass"_

"Things aren't going to be quite the same without Mad Eye" mused Ron, "your right" said Harry, "we're even more seriously fucked than we were before."


	6. Visions, Insanity and Ginger Ghosts

Visions, Insanity and Ginger Ghosts

**Visions, Insanity and Ginger Ghosts**

Harry's scar was hurting... yes we've got to that point... again.

He knew it was going to give him a vision into Voldemort's mind, so he ran outside, away from everyone, where they couldn't see the pain he was trying to control on his face. When he reached the Weasely's garden gate he surrendered himself to the throbbing pain of his scar...

"You lied to Lord Voldemort, Olivander..." whispered Voldemort as he swept around the prone figure on the floor. "Never my lord, never," cried Olivander, "LIAR" shrieked Voldemort, bitchslapping Olivander on the face, not for the first time by the look of the look of the red marks on Olivander's cheek. "I will find the truth from you Olivander... even if it has to come to torture..." said Voldemort threateningly, "I swear my lord, I do not know why his wand overpowered the borrowed one, I do not understand it, it should have worked..." "So you choose torture then Olivander," said Voldemort and clicking his figures the door burst open...

In the doorway was Bellatrix Lestrange, and on the floor lying strewn around her, was her clothes...

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" cried Olivander, but suddenly the vision was lost to Harry, who was now running round the Weasely's garden jabbering madly, when Hagrid had carried the thrashing Harry bodily inside and held him into his seat, his mad babbling subsided, but he still kept saying, "The jiggling, it was horrible... and... and... just NOOOOOOOOO." Eventually he was knocked gently unconscious by the combined fists of Hagrid, Ron, Bill and Mr Weasely, who could bare it no longer.

Harry awoke 2 weeks later, in bed. Staring up at the ceiling, and still shuddering at his memory, fixing Ginny firmly in his mind, he staggered down some flights of stairs to her bedroom, burst in to find Ginny halfway through getting dressed...

3 hours later, both red faced and incredibly pleased with their own performance, and each others as it happens, they sat down at the Breakfast table. They then noticed that it was not only them that had that same glowing look, so did Ron and Hermione, Bill and Fleur and Mr and Mrs Weasely. In fact the wooden supports that held up the Burrow were now groaning from all the extra activity they have been subjected too. Fred and George were glowering at them all, and after breakfast they went off to the nearby Muggle Village in search of, "sport."

Ron and Hermione wanted to have a chat about Hocruxes, but Harry and Ginny were so busy over the first few days, Harry had gone deaf in both ears, and now found walking difficult, and winced whenever he knelt. The same problems were occurring with Ron, so eventually Ron and Harry both found excuses to take a break and the meeting about the Hocruxes with Ron, Hermione and Harry began.

"Well the thing about Hocruxes," said Hermione hefting a large book then realising it was the "Karma Sutra for beginners guide." She blushed a deep red, then got out a black leather bound book with, "EVIL SHITZ" scrawled over it in pink felt tip.

"Let me guess," said Harry, "evil stuff very bad, required big powerful good stuff to kick its ass, and you need to be seriously retarded in the head to make something that evil in first place."

"That's pretty much the jist of it," said Hermione, plonking down the book, slipping "Karma Sutra for beginners" behind her back, winking at Ron, then asking Harry if he wouldn't mind leaving them in privacy for an hour or four.

"Hang on!" said Ron, who had winced as Hermione had winked, "Don't we want to tell him our plans on how we're not going to get caught by Voldemort's supporters?"

"Oh for heaven's sake Ron," sighed Hermione, stowing the book back under Ron's bed, which incidentally looked like it had shattered in several places and been hastily repaired with duck tape. "Okay Harry, Ron's got a retarded ginger ghost, and I've shipped my parents off to Austrailia," explained Hermione, "I've been a very bad girl," she said, glancing at Ron, "now can you leave us in peace for a bit please Harry..."

"I thought it would take longer than that..." moaned Ron, as Harry slipped out and Hermione began to flick through Karma Sutra for beginners, finding the place that had been bookmarked about halfway through.


	7. The will of God, or Dumbledore

The Will of God, or Dumbledore, same thing

**The Will of God, or Dumbledore, same thing**

At Harry's birthday Miss Weasely baked him a gigantic snitch shaped cake. The party was in full swing, with Bill and Hagrid after their 23rd Brandy having reached the next verse of Odo the Wizard;

"_And he slew and he slew and he slew some more_

_And he spilt their blood upon the floor._

_But most people still called him a silly billy, _

_And all the girls still said he had a small..."_

"Willy Weasely was the first Weasely on record," said Mr Weasely who was explaining the family tree to a rather bored looking Madame Delecour, who was trying unsuccessfully to enjoy the affair she was having with him.

Harry and Ginny had signed a treaty, which read thus:

"_To not.. you know.._

_Till after the wedding like..._

_Cos little Harry needs to recover."_

So they were holding hands under the table, Ginny looking rather disgruntled. This was pretty similar to Ron and Hermione who had signed exactly the same treaty, except "Ron" replaced "Harry." Hermione had been glowering and muttering, "but page 174," most of the day. Harry and Ron both looked rather relieved. Harry had been allowed to do magic that morning, (since he was now 17) and had used a soothing charm Ron had taught him 17 times since breakfast.

Into this happy scene, from underground appeared Rufus Scrimgeour, who paused, pointed at Ron, Hermione and Ron then into the house. They followed him in wordlessly.

Once inside the Burrow he addressed them. "The will of Dumbledore states that I have to give you some stuff, but I don't want to..." Then suddenly from the will held in Rufus's hand came the deep booming voice of Albus Dumbledore, "Rufus you will give these people what their owed, or I shall disclose certain facts about what happened between you and Umbridge at the last Ministry of Magic Christmas Party to the Daily Prophet."

Rufus turned a bright red, threw a slender black object at Ron, a book at Hermione, a ring at Harry and shouted, "Not the sword though..." and ran from the Burrow as the piece of paper with the will on it begun loudly reciting several disturbing facts about Rufus's desires on the senior undersecretary.

They locked the will in the room with the ginger ghost, where it continued to disclose incredibly private facts about Scrimgeour. As they sank down exhausted, because the will had put up quite a fight before they had managed to force it into the room, Mrs Weasely hurried into the room informing them that the wedding was to be tomorrow...

Ron and Harry groaned.


	8. Wedders

**Wedders**

Yes it was time for Bill and Fleurs wedding, in the run up to it, both sets of parents had been having affairs, (Madame D and Mr W, and Monsieur D and Mrs W) then both been caught with the other, causing lots of rather violent arguments. The matter and finally been settled by Lupin, who threatened to pay a personal visit to anyone on a full moon if they continued said arguments.

So rather bruised, Monsieur Delacour led Fleur down the asisle, "Fleur looks wonderful," whispered Hermione to Harry, "Whuh?" said Harry, who had been busy staring at Ginny's bum, "Oh yh right." Hermione then turned round to slap Ron, who had been busy drooling, over Fleur not Ginny because that would be wrong, and this parody isn't ready to get that retarded... yet anyways.

After a long and incredibly boring speech by Elphias Doge, the bride and groom kissed and thus they were wed. The Doge waved his wand and the entire marquee turned into a seventies disco. As the first dancers took to the floor to dance to "Night Fever," Ginny and Harry, Hermione and Ron and Fred and George with several of Fleur's cousins in tow made for the exits. Ginny, Harry, Hermione and Ron made it outside and then ran to their respective bedrooms. However, as they were nearing the edge of the marquee, Fred and George were confronted by Victor Krum, who pointed at two girls behind them and said, "You two, me, rumpy pumpy." At which both the girls giggled and followed Victor, arm in arm out the marquee.

Fred and George clearly thought about hexing Krum, but then thought better of it given all the witness that were right next to them. However, as they walked off it was clear they were planning to get some other girls that night now matter what it took, although when they looked round the marquee the only girls there were either related to them, or under 14. Thinking they might have to pick the best 14 year old, they suddenly realised Luna Lovegood was rotating slowly in the middle of the dance floor, smiling to himself George walked up to her and whispered something in her ear, Luna giggled and followed him outside. Fred glowered.

George arrived back inside about 2 minutes later, with bruises all over his face, it is clear that Luna had just beaten him round the head with her handbag. While Fred laughed George mentioned that there were still a few girls in the local muggle village they could confund. So looking slightly mollified the twins slipped out. Eventually most of the party was outside the marquee, in surrounding bushes and hedgerows, having a jolly good time by all accounts. In the end the only 3 people left in the Marquee were Fleur, Bill and Hagrid. Bill and Hagrid had finally managed to reach the third verse of Odo the wizard, and Fleur had had so many gin and tonics she was physically unable to leave anyways...

"_For twas then that Odo at his wedding_

_And his wife was ready for the bedding_

_But remarked a local lodger, _

_Just look at the size of his small..."_

"TODGER" shouted the patronus of Kingsley Shacklebolt. As it burst into the marquee, apparently it had got a little confused, but it stood up, and in Kingsely's voice said that there was a lot of bad stuff coming their way.

Although the only person that responded was Fleur who said, "I like de pwetty bluer coleurs!" In a remarkably bad French accent, but she was completely rat-arsed. In fact the bad stuff did not come to the Wedding at all, but bad stuff did come for Harry next morning...

"I KNOW YOUR IN THEIR YOU LITTLE BASTARD" shouted Mr Weasely, hammering on the door to Ginny's bedroom with both fists, startling Harry, who had been dreaming about last night. He hastily got changed as the door began to buckle as Mr Weasely threw himself against the door.

"POTTER YOUR DEAD!" he screamed, as he now hacked at the door with a fire axe. "SHIT" shouted Harry as he looked around nervously wondering what to do. "WHEN I PUNISH YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY DAUGHTER, VOLDEMORT WONT HAVE ENOUGH LEFT TO CHEW ON" roared Mr Weasely, carving a hole through the door.

Just as he stepped through and Harry thought how ironic it would be to die now. Hermione and Ron disapparated into his room, Ron grabbed his arm and they twisted on the spot, disappearing into nothing...

"I'LL GET YOU POTTER, IF ITS THE LAST THING I DO" shouted Mr Weasely as Harry was sucked into nothingness. ...

_**Authors Note: as people seem to like this and I'm chuffed all you guys do, I want reviews, favouriting (if that's even a word), praise and chocolate. To be honest mainly chocolate, but if you guys can't manage that then the first 3 will do nicely to boost my ego enough to write the next chapter, I will update regularly if I get some more reviews for all my hard works. Thanks to everyone that liked it. PS: Chocolate favourite reveiws are yummyful, and I love Becci XD**_


	9. Just sitting there

**Just sitting there...**

"Ah a greasy spoon cafe," said Harry, then rounding on Hermione he said, "Why the FUCK did you bring us here?"

"I don't know I was thinking retarded," replied Hermione. Before they entered the cafe, Harry chanted, "Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort," for luck he claimed. Ron rolled his eyes.

As they got served boiled mud by the waitress, two Death Eaters walked in. Pulled out wands, pointed them at Potter's chest...

"Wait a second," said Ron, looking at the Death Eaters, he focused, on the larger blonder one, and looking through his mask into his eyes he looked right at him and said, "you have the most gorgeous eyes ever.." Then raised an eyebrow suggestively..

As the Blonde Death Eater retched over the other one, who jumped back, Harry and Hermione were able to launch duel stunning spells. Stunning both the Death Eaters, as they then ran like crap out of the cafe.

"Nice distraction Ron," shouted Harry, "Distract... what? Oh yh..." said Ron, blushing a deep crimson.

They eventually arrived at Grimauld Place...

"Well this is fucking boring," said Harry, as they boiled the carpet for the third day running and tried to pretend it was edible. Grimauld Place had always been pretty miserable in all honesty, and neglect and misery hadn't done much to improve the place since. Team Potter (Harry, Ron and Hermione) was at an all time low, it hadn't helped that Mad Eyes curse to stop Snape entering the house had backfired slightly. This is because instead of being something which just attacked Snape, Moody had created a fully fledged homicidal maniac, complete with an axe and a rather miserable outlook on other people entering the house. Team Potter had been trapped inside the living room for the last 3 days and had cast all the protective charms they knew on the door, which was slowly buckling as the magical murderer cut away at it...

And the supply of carpet was running low...

And they'd just been informed Voldemort had taken over the world...

Harry had uploaded another poem onto myspace;

"_We ran out of carpet yesterday, _

_And Ron vomited twice, hooray._

_I don't like the way this has gone, _

_And the parts of her anatomy Hermione is showing Ron._

_I really want to see Ginny, _

_Preferably dressed in a tight fitting pinny."_


	10. That little creepy fucker

**Authors note: went back and changed a major bit to chapter 9, so would apprieciate if you could reread it to understand the rest of the story, and keep reveiwing**

**That little creepy fucker**

"YES

YES

YES

YES RON THERE

RIGHT THERE

FASTER

ALL THE WAY ACROSS

AGAIN

AGAIN

REPEAT THAT MANOUVRE"

Harry and Ron were having a chess match, Hermione was commentating. Five moves later Ron check mated Harry, before the Ron and Hermione could break out and have celebratory celebrations _**(I WILL NOT USE THAT THREE LETTER WORD IN THIS PARODY)**_ Harry decided it would be best if he left. So hefting a large chunk of meat to distract the axe wielding murderer, and putting on his invisibility cloak, he threw the piece of meat out the door, then slipped past the maniac, and ran upstairs to the bedroom of Sirius Black...

And it was a fucking mess, Harry guessed some Death Eater's had searched there first, partly due to the fact it looked a mess, but mostly because someone had sprayed "POTTER SUCKS COCK" all over one wall in pink graffiti. Harry examined the other walls in closer detail, he found one wall completely covered in Muggle Porn, which he thought odd because he'd always assumed Sirius was gay. However, on the other two walls were pictures of big burly quidditch players, which made Harry more confused than ever. He tried to look at the third wall, but pretty much all he could make out was a picture that was at his mother and father's wedding, he couldn't see their faces because they had the top of the O in COCK covering them. So he sat down on the bed, and saw a letter lying on the floor. It read thus:

_Dear Dumbly_

_Me and Jamesy Wamesy are having an awful good time. It's really nice that we aren't going to blown to smithereens in about 6 months, so we are having a great time. Why did you steal the cloak off James? He's a bit pissed about it. Well this letter could end pitifully short, with a retarded bit cut off, but it's not going too._

_See you soon, _

_Lilly Potter_

_P.S. Bathilda Bagshot is a fucking legend, you should talk to her sometime. _

Harry put down the letter, and continued to wonder whether Sirius was actually gay or not, and if he should visit Bathilda Bagshot. It was then that a hot and sweaty Ron and Hermione burst into the room, oh sorry Harry, didn't know you were in here, said Ron, as they swung out and were going down the corridor when Hermione screamed, "RAB."

Harry thought this was a rather odd name for her to yell out in pleasure, so he followed her outside. Where Ron was looking at her highly affronted and was about to accuse her of cheating on him, when she realised she was looking at the door. Hermione turned to Harry,

"Revelations big time, the locket, not open, RAB, on note thing, YES THE LOCKET, in the room, sirius's brother, appropriate sorta dude, YES THAT FUCKING LOCKET, lets search that room, and if not we go get Kreacher."

"RIGHT LETS GET THAT CREAPY LITTLE FUCKER!" yelled Ron, after 2 minutes of flicking their eyes vaguely around the room. "CREEAAAACCCHHHEEERRRR!!" yelled Harry, and with a CRACK appeared Kreacher. "SO BIATCH, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT MOTHERFUCKING LOCKET?!" yelled Harry in Kreacher's face.

"Harry I think we should be slightly nicer than that," said Hermione.

"Fine, SO, WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THAT FUCKING LOCKET?!" yelled Harry slightly more quietly in Kreacher's face.

So again, Kreacher told a quickly edited story for the benefit of speed:

"MY MASTER WAS A FUKHEAD, then he wasn't, SO WE FUCKED OVER LORD VOLDEMORT, and RABBERS GOT RAPED BY ZOMBIES, it was very sad, BUT I CULDNT BEAT THE CRAP OUT THE LOCKET, which was even sadder. THEN THAT SNEAKY LITTLE FUCKER CALLED DUNG, stole it. I WILL NOW THROW A TANTRUM"

After Kreacher had thrown a tantrum, Harry beat him round the head with a stick for betraying Sirius. Then he told Kreacher he had better get the fucking locket or he was in for a beating. Kreacher took off after Mundungus, and they all sat down, during which time Ron and Hermione went through character development (apparently anyway).

If they hadn't been in a horrible place, with a maniac eating raw meat down the corridor, and half the people they met weren't trying to kill them, and if Harry hadn't stolen all of Sirius's porn and Ron and Hermione hadn't been busy with each other.

There may have been some decent conversation.

But there wasn't.


	11. The Assholes

The Assholes

The Assholes

"Harry" said Hermione, I think you ought to see this. She pointed outside in the middle of the square, which had several suspicious looking figures, "maybe they aren't Death Eaters," said Harry hopefully. This hope was soon crushed, when they figures made camp, and put up tents which all had writing on the outside reading, "WE'RE WATCHING YOU POTTER."

"Oh bugger" said Ron, as Harry continued to stare out of the room, Hermione and Ron decided that they should have a meaningful conversation. They decided to call their 27th child "Oh god not another." They also decided to take out a mortgage on a house, which was in fact a shack on the northern coast of Scotland, but they only had about 10 sickles on them at the time. Hermione planned to invent 300 thousand different things, so very soon they would be completely minted anyway.

Harry continued to look out of the window, where something very strange was going on. A figure had just disapparated in the midst of all the Death Eaters, and was looking around menacingly. As he took one step forward, 3 Death Eaters dived out from behind a tent, firing killing curses at his back, but he just flicked them off casually, made the tent explode. He then proceeded to burn, stun and laugh at the rest of the Death Eaters. Just as Lupin was about to reach Grimauld Place, a nervous Death Eater, walked out, "I.. Ccchalleennge yooou too aa..a aa DUEL!" he stammered. Lupin turned around, took one look at him, and the Death Eater melted into a puddle of water. With that Lupin turned around and knocked on the door.

Ron opened it and Lupin strode in, shouting, "BEHOLD IT IS I REMUS, AND I HAVE KICKED ASS." Then sitting down he told them that Death Eaters were fucking everything up, despite the fact that himself and Kingsley Shacklebolt, as the new asskickers of the Order of the Phoenix had been going around beating the crap out of as many as they could find. He told them how Snape was now the new Headmaster, but himself and Kingsley had set fire to the castle grounds flying on brooms and turning their wands into flame throwers. They had then thrown the gigantic squid at Snape, who had run into the castle and hadn't left the Headmaster's Study in weeks. Infact Lupin and Kingsley had quickly become more violent versions of Fred and George. Team Potter listened as Lupin told them of other various things, including that he didn't have a fucking clue how the Death Eaters found them in a greasy spoon cafe, although they were known to frequent such places.

Oh and that Muggle Borns were being owned.

God, this is too fucking miserable...

"Yeah and I left Tonk's pregnant behind to go do my own stuff," said Lupin, "And I'm here to help you kill things."

"YOU ASSHOLE," shouted Harry, "YOU'RE THE SECOND BIGGEST ASSHOLE IN THIS ROOM!"

"LIES!" said Lupin, "I'M A MUCH BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN YOU POTTER, I LEFT MY PREGNANT WIFE BEHIND AND ALONE."

"MAYBE BITCH" shouted Harry, "BUT I'VE DRAGGED MY FRIENDS FROM THEIR NICE NORMAL LIVES, I'VE MADE A VERY POWERFUL PYSCOPATH, VERY ANGRY. THEN I WAS PART OF THE PROBLEM THAT MEANT SIRIUS GOT KILLED, MANY PEOPLE HAVE DIED NEEDLESSLY BECAUSE I HAD TO BE A STUPID BRAVE MOTHERFUCKER!"

"FUCK IT, YOU BEAT ME, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY," yelled Lupin, storming out of Grimauld Place, setting fire to the last Death Eater tent, and disapparating in the middle of the square, which was now covered with unconscious Death Eaters.

"There" said Harry happily, turning round to see Ron and Hermione, who looked murderous. "Harry.. you've just sent the best chance of us not getting killed walking out the door," said Ron slowly. "Harry that was a really, really stupid thing to do.." said Hermione.

"Yeah but it's true," said Harry...

When Kreacher arrived 2 hours later he found Harry tied to a chair, with a Duck Tape stuck over his mouth, and Ron and Hermione chatting about family holidays at the table, looking rather pleased with themselves. Kreacher dumped Mundungus on the floor, at which point Harry started to make frantic gestures, but Kreacher couldn't hear anything.

"Evening Mundungus..." said Ron, kicking him in the face.

"Heeellooo.." stammered Mundungus.

"You're going to tell us where the Locket is Mundungus" said Hermione.

"Yes," agreed Ron, "Or Mad Eye will come after you."

"Noooo nooo.." murmured Mundungus, "he's dead he is, I know it..."

"I didn't say he was alive," said Hermione, "I just said he was coming..."

It was convenient at that moment that the maniac suddenly woke up and lodged the axe in the door, which splinted into pieces, as through the smoke the figure began to stride...

"SHIT, IT WAS UMBRIDGE THAT BITCH HAS IT," yelled Mundungus, then sprinting down the hallway screaming he ran out the door, and jumped down a drain.

"Interesting," said Ron.

"Indeed" replied the maniac, hefting his axe, but it didn't manage to kill team Potter just then, because Potter managed to wrench the Duck Tape off his mouth and yell, "KREACHER GET HIM!"

Kreacher quickly disapparated. He returned with a Stereo, that he pointed at, and it begun to play "Can't touch this" by MC Hammer, the third greatest song in the entire history of creation. As the song played, Kreacher put on boxing gloves, and beat the living crap out of the maniac and threw him out the door.

As the cheers subsided, Kreacher took a bow... Harry saw the house magically become warmer and nicer, as the most downtrodden occupant it had ever had (Kreacher) looked proud and tall, as he, Ron and Hermione whooped and cheered. The walls became clean, the surfaces gleamed, the place looked warmer and happier than Harry had ever known it to be.

This was in fact absolute rubbish.

The place was as miserable as ever.

He was feeling like this because while he'd been tied up Ron had hit him round the head with a spade, making him rather delirious.

If it's not for brutally attacking you when you make mistakes, what are friends for?


	12. Magick is Asskicking

**The author would like to say a massive thanks to those who reveiw, and to those who dont, boooooooooooo**

**He also wants to bow to becci, who spent a very long time being abused reuploading shizzle, for this chapter to be made possible**

**Chapter 12: Magic is Asskicking**

Team Potter began sneaking out to the Ministry of Magic, and after a while they had formed a master plan. The plan was largely formed by Harry and Hermione, as Hermione had worn Ron out so much, that he'd now turned nocturnal, and only occasionally stirred during the day for food. Hermione on the other hand was living off coffee and chocolate to allow her to stay away all the time. It had made her go a little bit crazy...

"HARRY STOP STARING AT MY BREASTS" she yelled, stamping her feet angrily. "What?" said Harry, who had actually been outside the room, having another vision about a scantily clad Ginny. "Sorry Harry, I confused you with that dead house elf head," said Hermione blushing. "Don't worry," said Harry, who hadn't heard her, "happens all the time."

Harry had been getting a few retarded visions of Voldemort wanting to get a foreign wand maker, but he already had Ollivander, and once Harry thought of the last predicament he'd seen Ollivander in, and the sexual implications linked with it were enough to stop most visions for a while to come.

Meanwhile, Hermione had taken the picture of Phineas Nigellus off the wall, as he had started interrupting her and Ron in their more intimate moments. The first of these had involved Nigellus's portrait, some Berty Bott's every flavour beans, Ron and Hermione in a compromising position, and a cucumber. Ron had described the entire event as "unforgivable" although Hermione had declined to comment on the entire event.

When the plan had been finalised, mainly by Harry, as Ron was sleeping most of the time, and the excessive chocolate and coffee had put Hermione into some sort of coma. Although she always jumped whenever anyone shouted "CUCUMBER," very loudly near her ear.

After having a week to recover, the only reason it worked was that Harry made Ron and Hermione sleep in separate room, the intrepid trio arrived outside the Ministry of Magic, Harry and Ron managed to stun a woman, and after a quick victory dance and grope they gave some of her hairs to Hermione, who put them into one of the three bottles of Polyjuice Potion she had with her. She then took off her clothes, as did Ron, and they then skipped into an alleyway of the side of the street leading the ministry, with Ron singing, "IMMA GONNA GET SOME."

Once two men had stopped to stare, (all the women had run past at full pelt muttering about "youth of today) Harry stepped out from behind a dustbin and stunned both of them. Hairs were added from each man into the two remaining bottles of polyjuice potion, and each of them took one, turning into different people.

Seriously, by now it's not even remotely interesting. Harry was someone called Runcorn, who had muscles like a body builder, and a tackle to boot. Ron turned into a blithering idiot called Catermole, and Hermione became Mafalda Hopkirk. (So they went into some toilets, stood in them and after a short drink, which Ron didn't really want, they were able to flush them and enter the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic.

Which is by now, fucking retarded.


	13. The Muggle Borns ROCK Registration

The Muggle Borns ROCK Registration

The Muggle Borns ROCK Registration

They walked into a lift, and found it occupied by Umbridge, who started to complain to Hermione about the effects of the Menopause, and asking what Hermione did to cope with it. Hermione was forced to invent something involving pumpkins and garlic, which made Umbridge look rather worried. Umbridge then dragged her off to go take notes for a court session she was conducting.

As they left Ron and Harry looked quizzically at each other, but before there was any chance for conversation, Yaxley entered the lift, called Ron a dweeb, hit him round the face, stole his lunch money. Harry stopped him, by saying, "Yaxley I don't think you should hit him that hard, Cattermole is an old man after all."

"Hard!" said Yaxley surprised, "That wasn't hard Albert, THIS" he said, breaking Ron's nose, "is hitting him hard!" "Oh," said Harry, "so instead of doing this," Harry kicked Ron in the crotch. "You should do this," completed Harry, as he stamped on Ron's skull.

"Indeed," said Yaxley, "FIX MY OFFICE YOU RETARD!" he bawled at Cattermole, and with one final kick in Ron's ribs, he informed Harry he would be helping Umbridge, and with that he strode out of the lift.

So Ron stumbled off to fix the office, leaving Harry to wonder what the fuck he should now do. He thought he had better see if Umbridge had left the locket in her room. So he sauntered up some stairs, to her office, and found a hall, filled with people making pamphlets. Harry opened the doors and strode in confidently.

"LO IT IS I, ALBERT!" cried Harry striding into the room. The workers didn't even glance up from making pamphlets, obviously Runcorn often made odd announcements, and also spoke in Shakespearian English. "LO, FOR I BRINGETH THE HOLY HAND GRENADE OF BRUMLEY" cried Harry, at which point he took out from his cloak a decoy detonator, that looked very much like a grenade.

At which everyone scattered, and Harry strode to the door, where Mad Eye Moody's Magical Eye was imbedded in the wood. "Get out of my way Potter," growled Moody's voice in his head, "I had an excellent view of that plump ladies bottom." How on Earth do I respond thought Harry, "just think you fool," snarled Moody's voice, "your brain is so simple, it amazes me that you manage to live in anything so small. Watching you think is like watching a retard jump up and down on a keyboard."

I preferred you as a warrior, to a pervert, thought Harry. "Aye," said Mad Eye, "but it's pretty hard to be a warrior when you're just a magical eye ball imbibed with a few memories, and an awful lot of resentment." Fair enough thought Harry, shall I bury you with your body? "That would be nice Potter," replied the Eye, "I wish to spend the remaining magic left to me beating the crap out of gnomes in the Burrow's garden." Seriously, thought Harry. "Of course," said Mad Eye, "Never forget, even in Death, I'm kicking ass."

So Harry put the Eye in his pouch, and opened the door into Umbridge's Office. It was thoroughly vile, she had moved the Kitten portraits to spell, "DIE POTTER!" in cute friendly portraits around the walls. After a quick glance Harry deduced there was no locket, but he did pocket a book lying on the desk, titled, "The Life and PIES of Albus Dumbledore." On the front was a smiling Dumbledore, carrying a large apple pie and winking.

Harry returned to the lift, to find Ron dripping all over it. Harry apologised for the unforgivable brain damage he had caused Ron, and as Ron as heard many politicians apologise for unforgivable actions (you would think the thing about unforgivable actions, is that they're unforgivable), and as Harry was a leader and therefore sort of a politician, so Ron accepted the apology. In other words, Ron concluded Harry was a bastard and accepted the apology.

As they were about to step out into the floor which contained the courtrooms, Mr Weasely stepped into the lift. He immediately rounded on Harry, "REMEMBER YOUR PROMISE TO ME RUNCORN!" he bellowed. "Whuh, replied Harry. "You promised to feed me information on the location of Harry Potter the instant you received it," growled Mr Weasely menacingly, "I want to punish that boy for what he did to my daughter, and when you know where he is, you will tell me, I will come for you..."

"Yeah sure..." said Harry, as Mr Weasely stormed out of the lift, and in a fit of rage turned the gigantic, "WE WANT TO BUM VOLDEMORT" statue in the corner into a unicorn. The squad of Ministry Officials looked like they were thinking about stopping him, but they chose life instead and tactfully went on a coffee break.

So Ron and Harry went to the courtroom to rescue Hermione, on the way Ron told Harry how he had fixed the rain in Yaxley's Office. Basically, he'd made a tarpaulin tent, and put up a sign saying TOUGH SHIT.

So they entered the courtroom under the invisibility cloak...

"YOU ARE CHARGED," yelled Umbridge, "WITH PERFORMING ROCK SONGS WITH INSANE SKILL AND PANACHE!" "Noo..nooo..." cried the young man in front of her, "I just threw some notes together." "YOU CAUSED A MASS MOSH PITT AND A CULT FOLLOWING," accused Umbridge, "YOU ARE HEREBY SENTENCED TO ROCK NO MORE, YOU ARE TO HAVE YOUR GUITAR REMOVED." Then after a pause she appeared to remember something, "Oh, and you stole some magic of someone, blah der blah der blah, it's not that important..."

As she leaned forward, Harry, who had been staring at her bosom realised that the locket was there. Suddenly, the fact that there were hundreds of Dementors around them didn't seem to matter anymore, because Harry had what he had come for, and he knew he could kick ass.

He sneaked up behind Hermione, whispered that he was there. Then he cast his patronus, and at the same moment Ron threw the Holy Hand Grenade of Brumley. The dementors fled, then Harry took Umbridge's locket, copied it. Then Team Potter led the Muggle Borns, and their guitars out into the main atrium.

They found all the fire places sealed..

"No matter," said Harry, summoning a house sized stack of Amplifiers into the middle of the Atrium. Plugging up the guitars, the combined noise was enough to blow away all the reinforced concrete blocking the fire places.

All the Muggle Borns escaped, but as Team Potter was about to leave, Yaxley appeared from behind a pillar and grabbed Hermione on the arm, so they spun back to Grimauld Place. They found the door open, and as Yaxley stumbled as they reached Grimauld Place, Kreacher hit him with a frying pan, but the damage was done. Death Eaters would now be able to freely enter the house.

"Oh bugger," said Ron.


	14. The Forest and Fuck All

Chapter 14: The Forest and Fuck All

Chapter 14: The Forest and Fuck All

After making a hasty retreat from Grimauld Place, and leaving Kreacher for a hefty dose of torturing, but ordering him to enjoy the torture and to reveal nothing. They arrived without difficulty in a random forest somewhere, all was going swimmingly, until Ron realised he'd left his right arm, his left ear, and his…you know what, back at Grimauld Place, in a rather bizarre splinching accident.

When Hermione and Harry had finished laughing, they returned to Grimauld Place, got the pieces back just as Yaxley was battering down the door with a team of Death Eaters, and returned them to Ron. The various bits were glued on with super strength glue, which would fix him up as good at new in a while, but until then Ron was in intense agony when he moved his legs far apart, Hermione was sullen because of what this prevented, and Harry enjoyed tormenting Ron who couldn't run after him and beat him with a sharpened spoon.

So one happy day as they camped out in the forest, Hermione decided they ought to check if the locket was still safe. So they dug it up from the lead lined safe they had buried it in, and yes, surprisingly it was exactly the same. "You know what," said Harry, "I think we should wear this dark magic piece of shit." "Why on earth should we do that Harry!" exclaimed Ron.

"Because I feel like acting like a bastard for a bit," said Harry, "I've had enough of being all this hero nonsense." So Harry put on the locket, and after setting fire to a few trees and making an obscure sadist joke, he put the locket back in case, said it was no great shakes, and they buried it in the case again, safe until they could destroy it. WHAT A CLEVER IDEA, ahem.

"Well," said Harry, "Time to do the lucky chant." However, before Harry could even say "Vol." Ron shouted, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" then collapsed unconscious. Thus averting Harry's disastrous lucky chant... for now at least.

Harry was the first to take watch, but as he sat down to stare out over the forest, his vision suddenly became blurry, and he was no longer Harry Potter... he was Voldemort, because there's a first time for everything, yawn.

"_GIVE ME THE KICKASS THING GREGOROVITCH" shouted Voldemort._

"_SOME FUCKHEAD STOLE IT OFF ME YOU SNAKEY BASTARD!" yelled Gregorovitch._

"_WELL YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET OWNED NOW," said Voldemort, raising his wand._

"_WAIT!" yelled Gregorovitch, and pointing behind Voldemort he said, "LOOK, A LARGE PAINTED DISTRACTION!"_

_As Voldemort turned around, Gregorovitch made for the window, but he got stuck in it, and Voldemort used the killing curse on him, then went off to find the thief which had stolen the kickass piece o'crap from Gregorovitch all those years ago..._

So when Hermione took over watch, Harry realised that he had sod all to do for the rest of the passage, so he got out his laptop and uploaded another poem onto MySpace;

"There's some powerful dark crap that I don't know about,

And Ron has just come down with a bad case of gout.

My longs for Ginny, although I can't say why,

To say it wasn't a physical desire to hold her, please her, tease her, squeeze her and whisper Japanese to her.

Would be a lie."

Mildly dissatisfied with this poem, he uploaded it, realised that the entire plot had died for a bit, so he lay down and went to sleep, where he wasn't plagued by the goings on of a raving psychopath killing everyone.

Shame.

**READ AND REVIEW, I think that's what you're supposed to say, when it stays at 29 for ages, and 30 would just give you the ego boost you need.**


	15. Revenge of the Bastards

**Revenge of the Bastards**

At the crack of dawn, Harry noticed a small thudding sensation in the pouch tied round his neck, he opened it surprised, and out hovered Mad Eye Moody's Eye, which proceeded to smack into Harry's skull until Harry was able to catch it.

"YOU FUCKING COCKHEAD!" growled Mad Eye's voice in his head. Oh shit thought Harry, I'm going to be killed by a disembodied eye. "Don't be a fool," replied Moody, "I'm not wasting the magic I have left in this thing on killing a waste of space." With that passing comment, Moody's Eye flew away to the Burrow, and those gnomes never had another moment's peace in their lives.

Harry also emptied out the rest of his pouch, and found the ring which glowed red, and turned him invisible when he put it in his finger. However, when he looked up and saw 9 very evil bastards running at him, and seeing that the ring was shoddily made, he threw it in a river, it was bound to be useless anyway.

The guys randomly wondered around the countryside, carrying around the hocrux it its carefully protected safe. Harry did wonder what had happened to the ring, and he did glimpse it round the neck of someone in a group of 9, that was running around looking rather worried most of the time. They were lead by a big beardy guy, who Harry was sure was just Dumbledore who'd dyed his hair grey. However they disappeared after a gigantic army of evil started pursuing them, and they will take part in the parody no more… possibly…

They wondered about where the other hocruxes were, but after a while they realised they couldn't be fucked, so the entire trip became one giant holiday. Which knackered out Ron and Hermione, and left Harry rather lonesome with Sirius's enormous collection of porn, to prove that HE DEFINITELY WASN'T GAY, ahem, yeah right... Oh and in addition to that, Ron was become a fuckhead about the food, because he's never been hungry before... fool.

One day they heard an almighty crash outside their tent, and as they were invisible and had their extendable ears, they were able to hear what the people that had just apparated outside were saying. The conversation turned out between Dirk Creswell, Ted Tonks, Dean Thomas and two goblins called Griphook and Gornuk. **(BECCI I MAY NEEDS HELPS ON THESE FUKHEADED NAMES)**

The conversation was incredibly dull and boring, until it got to the bit where the goblins explained what had happened. Griphook explained that Snape had wanted the sword of griffindor cleaned, but that in fact the sword was officially retarded. Team Potter honestly didn't know why this was the interesting part of the conversation, but the author said it was, so they thought they had better shut the fuck up and listen.

After the group had moved off, Hermione took the portrait of Phineas Nigellus out of her bag. "DID I HAPPEN TO PERUSE WHAT YOU AND MR RONALD WEASELY WERE UP TO LAST TIME YOU.." **"SILENCEO!" **screamed Hermione and he abruptly shut up. "NOW YOU ARSEHOLE, REMIND ME WHY I GOT YOU OUT THE FUCKING BAG," yelled Hermione at Phineas. She broke the silencing charm, and Phineas explained that the sword was being cleaned because Ginny, Neville and Luna had tried to steal the sword, and had been sent in the forest to tame Hagrid's dragons by way of punishment. After screams of agony from Team Potter as they imagined what this meant, Phineas assured them that "taming Hagrid's dragons," was not innuendo, and no harm had befallen their friends.

So Team Potter thought they ought to look for the sword of griffindor, because it was bound to be important somewhere along the line, as apparently it had some venom stuff in it and could hurt hocruxes, but those silly little important details were largely irrelevant.

Unfortunately, things went very wrong for Team Potter just then. Ron was taking first watch, and he was walked outside grumbling about the cold, Harry fell over, caught his top on a bed rest, and it ripped and fell off him, Hermione then tripped over him and cut her dress down the middle. Harry sat down with a thud, but cut his belt on the edge of the Sneakerscope, so his trousers fell off, then he stumbled and landed on top of Hermione. Ron came back in to see Harry on top of Hermione, both of them groaning and Hermione shouting ,"FUCK" very loudly, has Harry was leaning heavily on her foot.

Ron saw things from a different perspective...

He threw Harry into a wall, shattering Harry's spine, he then set fire to the tent and disapparated into the night. This left Hermione standing the middle of the tent that was on fire, with very little clothing on, and a paralysed friend groaning on the floor, it was not one of her better evenings.


	16. Godric Swallowed

Chapter 16: Godric Swallowed

**Chapter 16: Godric Swallowed**

Harry and Hermione woke up, they'd fallen asleep with the tent still on fire. Although being conscious Hermione had slept outside the tent, leaving paralysed Harry inside. When Hermione woke up, Harry resembled Anakin from Star Wars after he'd been introduced to some lava and revenge. After dressing Harry in a black suit, Hermione then had to witness him shout "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" for the next hour or so, until she decided to stop the film references, so she took off the black suit, and bathed him in essence of dittany, in an entirely non-sexual way...

So they zap around the country, camping and shit, and missing Ron for various reasons, Harry because he burnt down Sirius's porn collection, and Hermione for various other reasons, and if you've read up to this point, you're mad enough to know what I'm talking about. They took out Phineas Nigellus's portrait because they were really bored, and he was a moaning bastard so they got along splendidly. Apparently some people had been annoying the crap out of Snape, which is all good.

Randomly one day they decided to go to Godric's Hollow, where they hoped to find the sword of Griffindor, which may be completely useless, but it's definitely worth risking their lives for. So they went to Godric's Hollow, maybe Bathilda Bagshot had the sword, because although she had been declared officially retarded, the never seemed to matter to Dumbledore anyway.

They duo went to Godric's Hollow and went to the graveyard where Harry's parents were buried. They searched for while, but eventually they found their tombstone;

_We have dedicated this tombstone, with the last words of Lilly Potter;_

"_OF FUCK" THUD_

_May her and her husband forever rest in peace... unless Voldy makes zombies out of them.._

_Now that WOULD be hilarious..._

Tearful at this emotional inscription, they wondered around some more, Hermione spotted a large vegetable, probably a marrow, engraved on one of the tombstones, and she remembered reading about it somewhere, but it was probably unimportant. They also found the gravestone of the Dumbledore's;

_THE MOTHER AND SISTER OF GOD_

_DEAL WITH IT BITCHES_

Harry and Hermione retreated out of the graveyard and went to try and find a strong drink, the sword and Bathilda Bagshot, in that order.


End file.
